When I tell people I’m introvert, most of the time they scoff at me.
‘What are you talking about? I see you go out all the time. You’re not an introvert. If you don’t want to hang out with me you could have just said no.’
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that sentence. Newsflash about us introverts, people: we’re not all socially awkward, we don’t hate people, we aren’t rude, and most importantly, we don’t need to ‘get out more’ to ‘get used to it’ so that we’ll start to ‘enjoy being around other people.’ We don’t need to be ‘fixed’.
I knew I was an introvert from a pretty young age, but I didn’t know that it had a specific name. I just knew that I liked being alone. I was completely content playing by myself and could do it for hours on end.
I didn’t truly realize anything until I went to public school in 6th grade. I made lots of friends, but they were just ‘at school’ friends. I would come home and maybe play with one of the neighbors, read, play with my Polly Pockets, or watch TV with my brother. I wouldn’t hang out with the friends I had at school on the weekends, and I think I started to freak my mom out a little bit.
When I started high school, my mom noticed it more. She would ask me ‘why don’t you hang out with Anna?’ Or, ‘What are Rachel and Kat doing this weekend? You can have friends over to the house if you want. Do you need me to drive you somewhere?’
The truth was, I just didn’t feel like it. I’d do my homework, and then watch tv or hang out with my parents until it was bedtime. On the weekends, it was my time to do absolutely nothing, and I reveled in that.
My junior and senior years of high school I started going out with friends more, and at that point I’m sure my mom exhaled this giant ‘Oh thank God my child isn’t lonely’ breath when I would tell her I was going to hang out with someone.
I know she was just concerned, and I probably will be too when I have children of my own. Regardless of that, from a young age I was convinced that because I didn’t want to be social all the time, because I wasn’t always making plans and hanging out with friends, there was something wrong with me. I started to question if the close friends I did have even liked me, or if they thought I was some strange homeschool kid who didn’t know anything about the world or how to act in it. Those thoughts plagued me for years. Sometimes they still do.
Over time I’ve explained to my friends and they have come to understand. At least that’s what they tell me. Some of them are introverts like me, just on a different level, so they truly do get it. But sometimes I wonder if others who claim to understand, still don’t, secretly harboring a bad feeling or view towards me.
I’ve always had a hard time saying the word “no.” Eventually that took it’s toll on me, I would be doing something because I was afraid of disappointing or upsetting whoever asked me to, so I wouldn’t have the time I needed to myself and it affected my mood and those around me.
I had to learn to put myself first. I had to learn to recognize the signs that I needed a break and listen to them when they appeared. I had to learn that I needed time and space to focus on my mental and emotional health. I had to understand that it’s okay that I need that alone time. I had to understand that I’m not weird because I need it. I had to understand that I don’t need to be fixed.
Thank you to those who understand when I struggle to explain that I am too emotionally and mentally drained to be in a public place with loud noises, loud people, and where I feel like I have to act happy when in fact I need alone time to re-group and recharge.
Thank you to those who understand why, if I do agree to come out, at some point I flip from being outgoing and chatty to more reserved and quiet, and choose to listen and react with nods and smiles instead of being enthusiastic like everyone else.
For those who don’t quite understand, please know that I don’t hate people. I don’t hate you. I’m not trying to be rude, or avoid spending time with you. A part of me wants to say yes, to go out and grab dinner or a drink, but I just can’t. I am too anxious and worn out, in need of a quiet space to relax with my pajamas and a snack or go for a walk. Activities like those are how I relax. They’re how I gather my thoughts, reflect on the day I had, and prepare for the next one.
This is who I am. I enjoy being alone, re-watching Lord of the Rings for the thousandth time. I enjoy getting coffee by myself, sitting and people watching while I get lost in my imagination. I am a thinker. I am a wallflower. I am also outgoing. I enjoy going out to get a drink. I enjoy going to the city and walking down the crowded streets. I enjoy trying new places and discovering new things.
There is a delicate balance I have to keep, and if that involves more alone time than others need to feel like I am ready to face the day, then that’s okay.
Marissa Gomez 